Bad Day

Some days are worse than others. Like I wake up hating the world and life, I just want to sleep it all away (or go to the bar and get hammered). I spend all day trying to find some good in my day to make me smile. These days are the worst when he and I fight. I have never felt pain like I feel when he says things that he knows will upset me. He doesn’t do it on purpose I’m sure, it just comes out. No matter what I want to do on days like these, I don’t. I end up going to the gym and running myself into the ground until my thoughts can no longer be heard and the only pain I feel is the numbness in my legs. After all that, then I sleep. Sleep and pray that when I wake up it won’t be another day like today has been.

I Know's and Discovery

I feel like almost everyone has that moment in their life where it’s like what the fuck am I doing? Like a realization that you have just wasted so much of your life on bullshit, that you have lost all sense of what your goal for yourself was in the first place. Some people don’t have to ask themselves this question at all. I envy those people for being able to keep their shit straight in a society that seems to pull people so many different ways. I guess it’s not just society though is it? Its personal choices, family life, friends and what kind of childhood a person had, plus so much more around that is involved. 

I guess it really didn’t hit me for awhile because I have asked myself many times in the past what the fuck am I doing with my life. My mind was not clear for a very long time and I am not really sure that I fully processed the thought. The day that I finally processed the question though is a day that I will never forget. I remember realizing that I had found someone who truly loved me even though I felt like I was such a mess. My change really didn’t start for me but ended up being for me. I stopped drinking for my boyfriend because I felt as though he needed better from me (my boyfriend does not drink, never has). Then I realized that I wouldn’t even be able to give him my best, or be my best, without my mind being clear and to do have that happened I needed to stop drinking for myself.

My mind is still very cloudy sometimes, but I know what I want. I know what I want from myself and from my relationship. It’s the first time in my whole life that I am 150% sure of what I want and what I am doing. Now I just need to discover myself, my true self. I know what I am doing and what I want from all aspects of my life but I’m not sure who I am. I want to say that I am comfortable in my own skin. It would be nice to see what my boyfriend see’s when he looks at me and says I look good or that I am beautiful. I look at myself in the mirror and try so hard to see what he does, but I can’t. I so deeply wish that I could.

My Foundation

I have never really had trust for anyone in my life, so when I met my boyfriend it was somewhat crazy to me how I just automatically trusted him. Ever since I can remember I have never trusted anyone and no one really knows the “real” me. My dad was never around and then when my step mom came into the picture our relationship that we did have went downhill. My brother is not a trust worthy person at all and my mom, well she didn’t show up (with a strong presence) till high school. Everyone who has ever been in my life has lied, let me down in a major way, or just up and left. I haven’t expected anything less from anyone who has entered my life. 

People who know me know the drunk me, because well, that’s what I always used to be. Being drunk was an easy way for me to hide my feelings, emotions and who I really am from the world. It was easier to be the party girl that everyone liked than to actually express how I was feeling or what was really going on with my closest friends. I have so many years of emotion and anger backed up it’s a wonder that I haven’t had a huge break down yet. What can I really expect though? I’m a mess and it’s because I drank with the intention of burying my feelings. 

Anyone and everyone that knows me will tell you I am a very happy, outgoing kind of person and someone fun to be around that everyone likes. I’m not really happy, and I haven’t been happy for as long as I can remember. Outgoing maybe, I guess I have my moments when I shine for being outgoing.  I’m fun to be around cause I have always been the life of the party and the person that people always wanted at their parties. The drunk me is a blast to be around because I don't care and will act a fool.

When I first met my boyfriend I knew there was something special about him and that he was going to make me see things clear. He is the only person in my life who truly knows me and has seen me at my worst in tears and hating life. I do believe that God works in crazy ways and it was a sign from him that he allowed me to trust my boyfriend right away (for lack of better words). It is the start of my new beginning, building a trusting relationship for the first time in my life with someone. I feel like this relationship and the trust is going to be the strong foundation for my start on this journey to find myself that I will need. Even though I know that at any time he can decide that this is not what he wants and leave, I feel like it’s not going to happen though. Naïve much?