Thoughts of being Alone

I am feeling very alone, like I really have no one. I'm realizing that people who I thought were my friends really are not. The only person I have to talk to is my boyfriend but he is busy a lot with school and football. I try not to smother him because I know he is busy. I have written a couple blogs in times when I have had no one around to talk to that I have not posted yet. Then I started to think, do people really give opinions on blogs if they don't know the person writing the blog? But am I really writing this blog to hear what people think or am I writing it to get my own emotions out in some form? I’m not even sure if anyone waists their time reading this. I don’t know, I’m frustrated and alone right now with more than I can deal on my mind. I’m babbling.

Bad Day

Some days are worse than others. Like I wake up hating the world and life, I just want to sleep it all away (or go to the bar and get hammered). I spend all day trying to find some good in my day to make me smile. These days are the worst when he and I fight. I have never felt pain like I feel when he says things that he knows will upset me. He doesn’t do it on purpose I’m sure, it just comes out. No matter what I want to do on days like these, I don’t. I end up going to the gym and running myself into the ground until my thoughts can no longer be heard and the only pain I feel is the numbness in my legs. After all that, then I sleep. Sleep and pray that when I wake up it won’t be another day like today has been.

I Know's and Discovery

I feel like almost everyone has that moment in their life where it’s like what the fuck am I doing? Like a realization that you have just wasted so much of your life on bullshit, that you have lost all sense of what your goal for yourself was in the first place. Some people don’t have to ask themselves this question at all. I envy those people for being able to keep their shit straight in a society that seems to pull people so many different ways. I guess it’s not just society though is it? Its personal choices, family life, friends and what kind of childhood a person had, plus so much more around that is involved. 

I guess it really didn’t hit me for awhile because I have asked myself many times in the past what the fuck am I doing with my life. My mind was not clear for a very long time and I am not really sure that I fully processed the thought. The day that I finally processed the question though is a day that I will never forget. I remember realizing that I had found someone who truly loved me even though I felt like I was such a mess. My change really didn’t start for me but ended up being for me. I stopped drinking for my boyfriend because I felt as though he needed better from me (my boyfriend does not drink, never has). Then I realized that I wouldn’t even be able to give him my best, or be my best, without my mind being clear and to do have that happened I needed to stop drinking for myself.

My mind is still very cloudy sometimes, but I know what I want. I know what I want from myself and from my relationship. It’s the first time in my whole life that I am 150% sure of what I want and what I am doing. Now I just need to discover myself, my true self. I know what I am doing and what I want from all aspects of my life but I’m not sure who I am. I want to say that I am comfortable in my own skin. It would be nice to see what my boyfriend see’s when he looks at me and says I look good or that I am beautiful. I look at myself in the mirror and try so hard to see what he does, but I can’t. I so deeply wish that I could.

My Foundation

I have never really had trust for anyone in my life, so when I met my boyfriend it was somewhat crazy to me how I just automatically trusted him. Ever since I can remember I have never trusted anyone and no one really knows the “real” me. My dad was never around and then when my step mom came into the picture our relationship that we did have went downhill. My brother is not a trust worthy person at all and my mom, well she didn’t show up (with a strong presence) till high school. Everyone who has ever been in my life has lied, let me down in a major way, or just up and left. I haven’t expected anything less from anyone who has entered my life. 

People who know me know the drunk me, because well, that’s what I always used to be. Being drunk was an easy way for me to hide my feelings, emotions and who I really am from the world. It was easier to be the party girl that everyone liked than to actually express how I was feeling or what was really going on with my closest friends. I have so many years of emotion and anger backed up it’s a wonder that I haven’t had a huge break down yet. What can I really expect though? I’m a mess and it’s because I drank with the intention of burying my feelings. 

Anyone and everyone that knows me will tell you I am a very happy, outgoing kind of person and someone fun to be around that everyone likes. I’m not really happy, and I haven’t been happy for as long as I can remember. Outgoing maybe, I guess I have my moments when I shine for being outgoing.  I’m fun to be around cause I have always been the life of the party and the person that people always wanted at their parties. The drunk me is a blast to be around because I don't care and will act a fool.

When I first met my boyfriend I knew there was something special about him and that he was going to make me see things clear. He is the only person in my life who truly knows me and has seen me at my worst in tears and hating life. I do believe that God works in crazy ways and it was a sign from him that he allowed me to trust my boyfriend right away (for lack of better words). It is the start of my new beginning, building a trusting relationship for the first time in my life with someone. I feel like this relationship and the trust is going to be the strong foundation for my start on this journey to find myself that I will need. Even though I know that at any time he can decide that this is not what he wants and leave, I feel like it’s not going to happen though. Naïve much?  

Missing Memories

I’m not sure that my life was ever really on track. I didn’t have a female role model for most of my life and my dad worked so much my brother and I were often left alone. My childhood was never really that great and full of confusion, frustration, and a sense of uneasiness. Though my brother and I grew up in the same environment with all the same opportunities, our outside appearances to the world seem completely different. My brother chose the path that let drugs and alcohol run his life and make choices for him. On the other hand, I managed to make it through high school and college while continuing with my ramped drinking that was increasingly growing out of control. As I have been described more than once, I’m a functioning alcoholic. 

I remember the feeling that I got the first time I was buzzed. That was the beginning of the end for me in so many ways. Some of the times in my life that were supposed to be my best memories that I would make, I only remember from seeing pictures. A couple examples would be my high school prom, all 4 times I went, my high school graduation and my first graduation from college. At the time no one could tell me anything, I was at that age where partying was what I was supposed to be doing. I think deep down though I knew I had a problem but I just didn’t care because drinking is what took away all the pain and anger I held inside. 

Looking back at a lot of things that I have done I’m very lucky to be alive. At the time all these things were fun but they were not smart. I should have been pulled over more than once for driving drunk. I would wake up some mornings look out the window to see my car and wonder how the hell I drove home. My next step would be to examine my car to see if I hit anything, surprisingly never once did I hit anything. After checking over my car I would look for a beer or bottle of whatever was being drunk the night before and take a couple shots. I always did this to make sure I wouldn’t get a hangover or the shakes during the day until we started drinking again later that night. 

I’m missing chunks of my life that I will never get back, the only thing I can do is piece things together from pictures that were taken in those moments.