I have never really had trust for anyone in my life, so when I met my boyfriend it was somewhat crazy to me how I just automatically trusted him. Ever since I can remember I have never trusted anyone and no one really knows the “real” me. My dad was never around and then when my step mom came into the picture our relationship that we did have went downhill. My brother is not a trust worthy person at all and my mom, well she didn’t show up (with a strong presence) till high school. Everyone who has ever been in my life has lied, let me down in a major way, or just up and left. I haven’t expected anything less from anyone who has entered my life.
People who know me know the drunk me, because well, that’s what I always used to be. Being drunk was an easy way for me to hide my feelings, emotions and who I really am from the world. It was easier to be the party girl that everyone liked than to actually express how I was feeling or what was really going on with my closest friends. I have so many years of emotion and anger backed up it’s a wonder that I haven’t had a huge break down yet. What can I really expect though? I’m a mess and it’s because I drank with the intention of burying my feelings.
Anyone and everyone that knows me will tell you I am a very happy, outgoing kind of person and someone fun to be around that everyone likes. I’m not really happy, and I haven’t been happy for as long as I can remember. Outgoing maybe, I guess I have my moments when I shine for being outgoing. I’m fun to be around cause I have always been the life of the party and the person that people always wanted at their parties. The drunk me is a blast to be around because I don't care and will act a fool.
When I first met my boyfriend I knew there was something special about him and that he was going to make me see things clear. He is the only person in my life who truly knows me and has seen me at my worst in tears and hating life. I do believe that God works in crazy ways and it was a sign from him that he allowed me to trust my boyfriend right away (for lack of better words). It is the start of my new beginning, building a trusting relationship for the first time in my life with someone. I feel like this relationship and the trust is going to be the strong foundation for my start on this journey to find myself that I will need. Even though I know that at any time he can decide that this is not what he wants and leave, I feel like it’s not going to happen though. Naïve much?
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