I Know's and Discovery

I feel like almost everyone has that moment in their life where it’s like what the fuck am I doing? Like a realization that you have just wasted so much of your life on bullshit, that you have lost all sense of what your goal for yourself was in the first place. Some people don’t have to ask themselves this question at all. I envy those people for being able to keep their shit straight in a society that seems to pull people so many different ways. I guess it’s not just society though is it? Its personal choices, family life, friends and what kind of childhood a person had, plus so much more around that is involved. 

I guess it really didn’t hit me for awhile because I have asked myself many times in the past what the fuck am I doing with my life. My mind was not clear for a very long time and I am not really sure that I fully processed the thought. The day that I finally processed the question though is a day that I will never forget. I remember realizing that I had found someone who truly loved me even though I felt like I was such a mess. My change really didn’t start for me but ended up being for me. I stopped drinking for my boyfriend because I felt as though he needed better from me (my boyfriend does not drink, never has). Then I realized that I wouldn’t even be able to give him my best, or be my best, without my mind being clear and to do have that happened I needed to stop drinking for myself.

My mind is still very cloudy sometimes, but I know what I want. I know what I want from myself and from my relationship. It’s the first time in my whole life that I am 150% sure of what I want and what I am doing. Now I just need to discover myself, my true self. I know what I am doing and what I want from all aspects of my life but I’m not sure who I am. I want to say that I am comfortable in my own skin. It would be nice to see what my boyfriend see’s when he looks at me and says I look good or that I am beautiful. I look at myself in the mirror and try so hard to see what he does, but I can’t. I so deeply wish that I could.